A Mutant’s Tale
by LadyStrange72
Summary: See if three men can change their stars and become champions. Ok read to see the X-Men stuck doing a parody of A Knight's Tale. Staring Remy John and Piotr. ROMY
1. Chapter 1

Hi, this is my first X-Men fan fic so please be kind. Also sorry for the bad spelling, grammar, and accents. I'm only doing Remy's and Rogue's accent, I just cannot do Kurt or Piotr.

For the record I will never own X-men, A Knights Tale, or anything that is somewhat recognizable in any shape or form, sadly.

A Mutant's Tale

All of the X-Men wait around for a new director for a parody.

Scott paces around and starts to complain, "Why do we always get stuck doing these things, its not like we don't know who will get what part."

"Actually, I'm still working the kinks out of casting myself, so sit down and shut up." someone finally shows up caring a bunch of stuff in her arms, including a folded up directors chair. "For those, and by that I mean all, of you who don't know me, I am the Invisible Strange, but for short I will accept: Strange One, IS, and Master. I will be running the show."

Most of the cast started to get unnerved as the saw that some of the stuff in her arms: a leathered bound book, headphones, duck tape, and a zippo lighter.

"First off, Forge, you're in charge of all the technical stuff, including making the horses for our knights' to ride and other stuff like that."

Forge raises his thumbs and goes "Groovy"

"Wait," Ray yells out from somewhere in the group of mutants "Your using robots for the horses, and not us!"

"Unless you want to carry a full grown man with armor around when he goes to bash someone with a stick for half of the play, I suggest that you stop whining."

A few of the boys hide farther to the back.

"Ok now for the cast." IS said hiding the lighter from public view, see she's not that stupid, "Since we are doing A Knights Tales, the main part of William Thatcher will go to Remy!"

Remy does a small victory dance, umm medium, ok he's really going at it, think "Full Monty". Rogue is chuckling. Not at the dance but at the fact that William gets his ass handed to him in this movie.

IS reads on, ignoring the shaking Cajun bootie (which is hard), "So surprisingly the part of Jocelyn will go to Rogue, and Rogue you will not barf on my set so get that finger out of your throat."

Rogue gives Jessie the finger. Then goes off to mutter about stupid dresses and crazy directors.

"Now for the fun parts, the part of Roland will be played by Piotr."

Piotr nods at the fact that he will not have to ride one of Forge's horses, horses scare him for some reason.

"As for the hyper and yet violent part of Wat, good luck John, I don't think you're going to need it"

John momentarily forgets the zippo and cheers at the fact that he gets hits almost every cast member.

"So now the loud mouth part of Geoffrey, I believe that Pietro should get that part, you both like to hear your own voice."

"Oh yeah" Pietro started to gloat, "I've got a big part, I've got a big part, take that Lance I got a bigger part than you!"

"Umm yeah, but Lance has more power in the movie being Colvelle and all."

The Lance smiled at the fact he was going to play royalty, and boss Pietro around.

"Back to the cooler parts, Wanda good luck and no killing, your Kate."

Wanda threw a hex and the director, and started to glare at the three idiots she is stuck dealing with for the remainder of this play.

"Kitty," the Strange One goes on from being thrown into the wall, "I like to reward you for no reason what so ever with the sane part of Christiana, Rogue's lady in waiting."

Kitty cheers because, well because she's Kitty. She cheers for mall sales for heaven sake.

"Scott guess what, you get a bigger part in this play than you would normally get, you get to play Count Adhemar, have fun!"

Scott cheers up at the fact that he gets a big part, but stops just as he finds a glowing card placed in his……………BOOOMMMMM!!!! never mind.

"And lastly Sir Ector will be played by Magneto. The rest of you will most like be thrown in for random parts to be decided by pulling your name from this hat at the time." IS holds up a red white and blue top hat. She puts the hat back in the pile and looks around.

Wanda's trying kill her brother, Pietro who is running around making fun of Evan. Mags is upset that he is playing a dead guy and is yell at Xavier for it. Scott is still trying to extinguish his pants, which makes John stop planing stealing the zippo with a squirrel to make the flames bigger. Piotr is hiding behind a small tree due to embarrassment, why, only he knows. Kitty is also behind that small tree staring at umm-well lets just say staring. Jean is mad because she didn't get a part and goes to sulk. Remy is still doing his victory dance and has lost his shirt somehow. Rogue is mad that she has certain scenes with the swamp rat and is hiding a black shirt. Logan and Storm are, did they even show up??? Neither did Mystique for that matter. Blob is raiding some food that was put out for some reason, and Toad is eating a fly, ok IS is grossed out and runs to get out of there and so should we.

AN: What am I getting myself into. Well wish me luck and REVIEW so I know I'm not just making a bigger fool of myself.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, not X-Men, not Queen or anything that shows up, I do own the Invisible Stranger. wheee.

IS walks onto the set. Naturally the cast is in chaos. Jean runs up to the director still complaining about having no part.

"Why does little miss outcast get the best part. I could play Jocelyn. And Scott can be my knight."

Ignoring Jeans high pitch whine, IS sees that Remy is hiding in his dressing room, aka a small closet that has his name written on it in chalk, and Rogue is laughing. Meanwhile John is trying to talk Remy to come out of the closet, I mean dressing room.

"Come on mate, it's not that bad. I heard that bad hair is quite popular in Europe. And the sheilas love it." He looks at the director and shakes his head, having no success it getting Gambit to budge.

"Ok. Well, John keep trying, and if he doesn't come out soon it's proof that Gambit _is_ gay."

Gambit runs out of the dressing room. His hair is not just bad it's awful, it is worse than his Evo hair cut, part of it is greasy, other random parts are in corn rolls and to top it all of he is wearing rags made from I think they started out as potato bags. Everyone gets a good look at the former Casanova and fall over laughing. Gambit tries to glare at them but it just makes everyone laugh harder.

"Good, now start the clip." IS says finally being able to breath.

An old film projector is rolled out and shows the intro for move.

**In medieval times a sport arose. Embraced by noble and peasant fans alike though only noble knights could compete. The sport was jousting.**

A slight joust scene is shown with two knights, and one gets knocked off his horse. The cast winces since some of them are going to be playing random knights.

**For one of these knights, an over-the-hill former champion, it was the end. But for his peasant squire Remy, it was merely the beginning.**

The film projector ends

IS pushes Remy on the stage, bad hair and all. "Ok get going. Be good and I'll give you styling cream. Lights. Camera. Sound. I need Action!"

Piotr, who is also dressed in old potato bags, is standing next to Remy who besides having lousy hair and clothing now has two pieces of fabric shoved up his nose. They both look over at Magneto who in full knight getup is lying against a tree looking like he's asleep. He really is drugged and knocked out. "Should we help him?" Piotr asks.

"Well he has t' be in de list in two minutes. Two minutes or forfeit." Remy makes faces like he his smelling something really bad. Like some of Kitty's cooking we hid under Magneto.

"Lend me those" Piotr tells Remy as he receives the nose plugs. "Is this sanitary? I do not know where his nose has been."

IS sighs, "No, it's not. Just shove them up your nose. Do it, or I will resort to blackmailing you."

Piotr grumbles something in Russian. He then goes and puts the nose plugs in, making a really funny face, I wish I could show it. Wince, glare, and lemon face all put together. He proceeds to check on our still 'sleeping' Magneto. Only to lower the face shield and pronounce "dead" a little too happily.

The whole cast starts to cheer and sings "Ding dong the bucket head's dead!"

IS groans and shouts "He's not dead, just out cold! Now shut up or you're all eating Kitty's cookies!"

You can hear a pin drop.

Just then John runs happily over to the two alive and one dead guy.

"Three scores to none after two lances mates. All Sir Magneto needs to do is stay on his horse and we've won. Oh…" John then smells the air and starts to gag and tear up.

"Hey! My cookies don't smell like that bad"

Piotr announces to John that their boss is dead, and at the same time avoids looking at Kitty.

John puts on a fake shocked face, but he looks more happy than sad. "YES! I mean what do you mean dead?"

Piotr blush and mumbles something.

"Wha' was dat _mon ami_? No one 'eard ya?" Remy cheers.

Piotr mumbles again.

"Still can't here you mate." John eggs his friend on some more trying to get him to swear.

Piotr shouts, "His life's spark is covered in shite. His spirit is gone but his stench remains. Does that answer your question? Now leave me alone."

John gloats at Bobby, "See, told you he would say it, now pay up!"

After receiving his bet money John goes back to being almost in character. "No, no, no. No, he sleeps. Rouse him." Remy looks down and Piotr is looking at something off stage.

"We're minutes from victory. I haven't eaten in three days!"

Remy glares at John "None of us hav' Johnny."

Piotr who has been glaring at Bobby for the time finally remembers his line and growls: "Let's fetch a priest" Bobby ran to the bathroom after that.

John starts to panic "No, he's not dead!" John starts to kick the crap out of Magneto. "Wake up! Come on! Come on!"

Lance walks up to the director, "That is a doll in that suite, right?"

"You mangy git!"

The director looks at John who is enjoying this part a little too much, "Nope, a doll would be just too fake for this. That's the real deal in there."

John is still beating up his boss as Roberto, the announcer of this joust so said the hat, comes riding up on his Forge made horse. "Horse Squire, Sir Magneto must report at once or forfeight the match."

Piotr starts to explain that Sir Magneto is dead when Remy interrupts. "He's on 'is way"

In the background we can still hear John go on, "I haven't eaten in three days! three days! What did you eat, mate?! If you wasn't dead, I would kill you!!"

Roberto rides away and Piotr starts looking at Remy funny, in truth he is more worried about when Magneto wakes up.

"Remy'll ride in 'is place."

Remy goes over to John tries to stop him from attacking Mags, well he puts in his own kicks but the director didn't notice. "Strip 'is armor. Remy's ridin' in 'is place. John, stop kickin' him! Calm down. Remy's ridin' in 'is place. Help _s'il vous plait_."

Piotr watches the two strip Magneto, of his armor nothing else you sick people, and place it on Remy.

"What's your name Remy. I'm asking you Remy Thatcher to answer me with your name. It's not Sir Remy it's not Count or Duke or Earl Remy. It's certainly not King Remy"

Remy without looking up goes "I'm aware of dat."

Piotr starts to complain "You have to be of noble birth to compete."

"A detail. De landscape is food. Ya want to eat, non?"

"If the nobles find out who you are there'll be the devil to pay."

"Good ting dat Remy be Le Diable Blanc." Remy similes.

"Gambit! Stick to the script! Do you want your hair to stay like that!"

"Then pray dat dey don'."

The camera is paused as IS start to cheer and gets out her MP3 player for the next scene. The entire cast can hear Queen's _We Will Rock You_ blast through the speakers.

"You know it doesn't have to be that loud." Scott complains.

"Yes it does." Lance, John, Bobby and Remy point out.

"Boys, no fighting. And Scott, Queen must always be loud!" IS states as the cast start the most famous three-pound beat.

The extras get on stage as a bunch of knights and the crowed that are cheering or pounding. We can also see Roberto on a stage getting into the song and Xaiver sitting in a chair clapping, but only because he is being forced to. In the background is Remy riding up and putting down the visor.

We see some random people playing trumpets; they stop blowing just as the music stops. Roberto then stands on a stage thankful that he does not have to ride a horse, yet. "The score stands at three lances to none in favor of Sir Magneto. Lord Cannonball of Aragon. Stand ye ready? Sir Magneto stand ye ready? Who talks like this?"

"That would be the British. Now go on" IS is now eating some popcorn.

John looks up at Remy who is in Magneto's armor and riding on top of one of Forge's horses, "Ready?"

You can hear Remy's cocky smile from under the visor "Of coarse. Remy hav' tilted against Sir Mags many times."

"Your his practice target. You're never allowed to hit him." John hides a laugh at that visual.

"Badger me with details."

Piotr stops the two from fighting like a married couple "The landscape then. Stay on the horse. HHhHe needs three points to beat you so a broken lance won't win it for him. He has to knock you off the horse."

"Remy know how t' score, Piotr. Waite' mon whole life for dis moment."

John adds with a smile "You waited for Sir Magneto to shite himself to death him. Because I know I have."

"And I think the rest of the world would agree with that!" Rogue yells out from off stage, earning a few laughs from the rest of the cast.

The camera now goes over to the lists. In the middle a Jamie copy drops a flag starting the match. We now see Remy riding his horse, with John and Piotr cheering him on. As Remy rides, he is having trouble with his lance. Piotr and John start to yell at him to get his lance in the cradle. Just as Remy does and looks up he gets a face full of styrofoam lance and his helmet gets dented, with the help of a now awake Magneto. This causes Piotr and John to run up and check on him.

Piotr and John run up to Remy who is now slumped over his horse. Piotr is making sure that his friend is all right and John is cheering that they have won, John's so happy he hugs Piotr and kisses the horse and gets and electric shock for his efforts. Finally Piotr hears Remy under the helmet, and so does every one else due to the microphone.

"Stupid bucket head has t' dent so hard, almost broke Remy's nose."

"Need I remind you it is not a good idea to insult me when you are wearing a outfit made of metal." Magneto yells from the side of the stage.

"Ok everyone, need I remind you that I am trying to put on a play, so the next person who decides to even meep an interruption will be stuck cleaning the studio."

Piotr goes into character immediately and started to yell: "He's breathing. He's breathing!"

The camera is paused as everyone now moves quickly and quietly, to IS's disappointment, to their next positions.

Professor Xavier is sitting on top of a plastic thrown on a mini stage, Roberto is standing in front of the stage holding a pillow and on top of it is a goofy gold feather, ok it is a plastic piece of junk.

Professor looks down at the Acolytes and is trying not to laugh as he calls for Sir Magneto. Remy looks forward still wearing his dented helmet. At this the Professor looks over to Roberto who walks forward.

Roberto goes up to Remy. "Sir Magneto. Remove your helmet."

"My lord, I'm afraid de final blow of de lance has bent in ont' mon head."

John goes to repeat him but soon finds him getting hit by a metal hand, and it was not Piotr.

"Ouch mate, that hurt."

Roberto looks at John strangely, "I present your champion, my lord"

With some direction, because Remy can't see anything, he takes the plastic feather and holds it up in the air for everyone to cheer at.

The camera pauses yet again. When it goes back on we see John, Piotr and Remy standing by a road, with Piotr talking to Ray dressed in shabby clothing. Those two seem to be bargaining over price. They agree upon fifteen. Ray then gives Piotr some money and walks off with the plastic feather hoping to be able to wash the stench of Toad's clothing off of him.

Piotr goes back to Remy and John holding the pillow from earlier. "Fifteen silver florins. He didn't want that." Piotr toss the pillow to John and starts to hand out money that is really plastic nickels. "That's five for Remy. Five for John. And five for me who's going straight home to Russia."

"Straight to the pub for me mates. Eel pie, vegemite, brie tart... Tansy cakes with peppermint cream." John starts to drool thinking about all that food that no one else besides him and Fred will eat.

Scott is completely grossed out by all that. "Who would want to eat that, it's all gross!"

"I don't know about eating all of that stuff, but Scott you are now cleaning the studio." IS looks like Christmas came early.

"You know that's not nice." Jean starts to buts in.

"Yep, but don't worry Scott will have help cleaning, because you just volunteered yourself. Now if anyone else would like to be stuck cleaning the toilets speak now so we can continue the play."

John goes back to the play and starts to pack random stuff, including his small pillow. Meanwhile we see Remy just standing there thinking. He looks up and the cast can hear the small bell going off in his mind. Well it was really a loud bang from Tabby, who was arguing with the girls over which guy has the cutest butt.

"We coul' do dis." Remy smiles, mostly due to he's winning the butt contest.

"Do it, we've done it. That's silver in your hand." Piotr tells his cajun friend.

"No, I mean we can do dis. We can be champions. Give moi your coins. Oh now come on, give me your coins." Remy takes both their plastic nickels then gives one to each of his friends. "Right that's _un_ for you and _un_ for you and which leaves 13. Dat's 13 for training and outfittin'. De tournament in Rouen is in a month from now. In one mont' we could split a prize bigger dan dis one. In one mont' we'd be on our way to glory and riches none of us ever dreamed of."

"In one month we could be lying in a ditch with Sir Magneto. I don't want glory and riches Remy I just want to go home."

"Tansy cakes. Dilled veal balls. I'll take my five now."

Remy angrily stomps up away up a hill that contains a more unused road. As he walks John and Piotr run after him.

"Oiy, wait up. You're going the wrong way!"

Piotr tries to reason with Gambit. "But you can't even joust."

"Well most if it is de guts to take a blow, to strike one. Guts I hav'. And technique? I have a mont' to learn dat. Besides, de sword. Name a man better wit' a sword dan I am."

"In the practice ring." John counters and reminds him that he used to be Sir Magnetos living target.

"You're not of noble birth." Piotr is still trying to reason to convince his friend.

"So, we lie. Wouldn't be de first time." Remy adds in with a smirk facing his friends. "How did de nobles become noble in the first place? Dey took it at the tip of a sword, I'll do it with a lance."

Lance who stop paying attention looks up when his name was said, "What? I'm not doing anything."

"Not you Lance, he said lance, that really long stick thingy that used to hit people. Now back to the play!"

"A blunted lance." John yells out half as a comment on Avalanche.

"No mat'er, John. A man can change his stars. And I won't spend de rest of mon life as not'ing."

Piotr points to two hanging bodies, one is nearly a skeleton in a cage and is Forge made, the other one hanging on a noose is a really beaten up Evan wearing dirty rags. "That is nothing. And nothing is right were glory will take us."

"We're the sons of peasants. Glory and riches and stars are beyond our grasp. But a full stomach? That dream can come true." John is starting to drool on set and is staring at the pile of pizza that has just shown up.

Remy is now standing at the top of the hill holding out John and Piotr's money in each hand "If ya can take your coins, go ta Russia, eat cake. But if ya can', you come wit' me." He holds out his fists with the money inside of them. John and Piotr look at him and stand there.

"Ya see? Money doesn' matter." Remy then puts down his fits. Just as he does Piotr and John attack and each grab and hand. Piotr is 'trying' to pry the hand he is holding open, and John tries another approach by just eating Remy's hand.

"You see how hungry I am? Do you?" John complains in-between gnawing on Remy's hand.

"_Damnez_ (damn) your stomach, John!" Remy finally pushes John off of him and stands. He looks over to Piotr who is laughing at his two friends acting like the married couple. "Piotr please, wit' 13 silver pieces, t'ree men can change deir stairs"

Piotr gives up arguing "God love you Remy…"

Remy hugs Piotr as he finishes his line, "I know, I know. No one else will."

"Got that right Swamp Rat"

"AND CUT! Jeez after all of the parodies that you have done, you would think that some of you could act!"

Magneto then walks by rubbing his head. "That is the last time I try any of those positions, I didn't know I'd feel like this after words."

The cast stare at Magneto funny upon hearing that. John starts to choke on his pizza. IS sneaks out of the back door, and I think we should follower her lead.

AN: Wow, I think I am sick of Gambit's real name. It appears 56 times, in ONE CHAPTER!

Please Review!


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